Ah, the old adage. If I had a pound for every time I’d been told it’s just not the right time I’d be spending this lockdown in the Maldives instead of my two bed semi. But sometimes it really is true, and sometimes it’s me that forces that decision, not them. Some of it’s a barrier that’s built up over years, some a fear of the future, some just plain old stubbornness. But fuck me has 2020 been a bitch of a year so far.
Last time I wrote a piece, I was waxing lyrical about kindness and understanding others. I stand by this, and if anything have been taking it to the extreme in recent weeks, more often than not placing other people’s thoughts, feelings and fears above my own. I’ve stuck to my promise about kindness, and it’s felt good. But at the end of it all, I’m still here, alone, single, and facing lockdown without a single other human being for the foreseeable future.
2020 I’ve met two great guys. In 3 months! Actually, as luck would have it I met the both at the same time. Multiple dating has its perks in that respect. I would never have met one of them if I’d invested all my time in the other. One is now a very close friend, a confidante, an advice giver and someone that I’m glad is in my life. He will never be anything more than those things, and we both know that and are good with it. I guess that’s why the friendship is successful, take away the sex and the emotions and work out if you actually get on with someone. It’s pretty liberating.
The other, well he’s been a surprise. I nearly didn’t go on our first date back in January. I was already pretty invested in the other guy, despite not having met him, and wasn’t sure about this one. Our communication is sporadic at best. I’m the kind of girl that never messages first. It goes against all of my equalitist beliefs, but it’s just something I’ve always done. I don’t want to be needy, overwhelming. I like to match communication levels, so I let them set them. Ours isn’t great. Every couple of days, a gif here, a meme there, me taking the piss out of something. Countless hilarious dating stories from him as I insisted he wasn’t ready for a relationship and continued to date. Dating apps from the other viewpoint are equally as terrifying it turns out! But we set dates. And we stick to them. I like that, it feels like less pressure, less admin. More time face to face chatting, less in between.
6 dates in (well, 5 but he wanted to count a breakfast date as one). I guess by that logic it’s actually more like 10 dates, but who’s counting!? We’ve had some amazing dates, one being one of the best I’ve had in years. A footy match, beers, tequilas, a nice dinner with a fancy bottle of wine, casino and then a hotel for the night. What a day. I’m one of the lads. That’s my appeal, that’s why men like me. That’s why I end up with a load of ex dates and boyfriends for mates. This will no doubt be another one to add to the list. Because, guess what reader? Yep, it’s complicated. I don’t choose the easy ones! The ones that are ready, the ones without a shit tonne of personal stuff bubbling away in the background. Other than that, he really is the perfect man. Handsome, funny, intelligent, kind, a family man, great job, amazing prospects. I could use a hundred more adjectives to describe him and wouldn’t run out.
I chose the perfect man. Just not the perfect man for right now. The perfect man in 12 months time. Once his life is in order, once he knows what his new life would look like. 12 months. Feels like a long time. Of course, it might be sooner, it might be longer. That’s me putting a time on something I have no comprehension about. All of that was fine, I came into this with my eyes wide open, as did he. We gradually both stopped dating other people, and deleted the apps, but not because of a conversation we had had, timing and frustration with dating and all it demands played a massive part. I have zero expectations of him, and he knows that. He thinks I’m a cold hearted bitch who has a massive defence wall up, and guess what, he’s right! That only starts to come down after a while, and we aren’t quite there yet. We probably could have got there, we were well on the way I think. And then….
Now these are unprecedented times as we keep being told. They really are. I have more time on my hands than ever before (lucky you guys, this means at least 2 blogs a week!). It also means more time to think, or overthink if you’re that way inclined. Luckily I’m not predisposed to overthinking. Everything is out of our control at the moment. There are thousands of people out there unable to see their partners, their significant other, the person they’ve been dating for a while. I can’t see my complicated friend with benefits, it’s no drama. There was a month between our first and second date, this is nothing new for us. But the issue is that our communication level has been set since day one. Poor. But then we see each other and talk for hours, laugh, share, even throw in the odd PDA, which is something I never do. So what replaces that in the meantime? I’m so much better face to face than on message or the phone. If I can’t see him for 12 weeks, I can guarantee based on current communication levels I won’t ever see him again.
How do we adjust? Or do we just see this as timing and it’s just the natural ending that would have happened in a couple of moths anyway, this pandemic has just sped up the process? I like him, he knows I do, even though he also knows I won’t say it. That’s all part of my appeal, the mystery, the not knowing. But a massive part of me has also used this present time as a realisation that I’ve made thousands of choices to be alone. It’s my preferred state. I invented social distancing 20 years ago and have been doing it ever since. But fuck me, when the shit hits the fan, it isn’t half lonely. The thought of my own company for the next 3 months is frankly terrifying. I’ve no idea what to do.
All I do know, is once this is over, it needs to be right man, right time. Right woman, right time. Stop putting the walls up, stop choosing the unavailable ones, stop wasting my time. When COVID-20 hits I want someone to share it with, and that’s only going to happen if I embrace some opportunities and stop projecting. Stop telling guys, like I have this one, that they aren’t ready. Because I am.