The benefit of doubt

Followers of my twitter will know that yesterday was the rescheduled date of last weekend. The one where he didn’t show. We have met since that non date because despite my usual block and delete, one chance mentality, I went against it and we had an evening together on Monday.

Everything was great, he’s great. There’s no games, there’s no bullshit. I know where I stand and I think if he lost interest he would just tell me. It’s refreshing, but fuck me it’s dangerous. It means the guards get lowered, it means the potential feelings start, and with feelings, inevitably comes disappointment and heartbreak. But I’ve put last weekend behind me and am looking forward to a great day with him.

2pm comes round, our scheduled meeting time. No sign, no message. Here we go again. He can’t possibly have done something to his phone a second week running, so what in the fucks name is going on this time. 3pm comes and then so does 4. I’ve messaged a mate, fuck it, I’m not sitting all dressed up with nowhere to go for a second weekend running. She comes round to have some wine and watch the rugby.

Up he pops, he’s been asleep. He’s sorry and he’s on his way. I mention that my mate is here, but will be going after the rugby. Half an hour later I get the message I think I’ve been expecting all along, and he cancels. He knows it will piss me off, but he’s not well, so won’t come.

Now, here’s where it gets tricky. How do I react!?Am I the nice, caring woman, or am I the woman scorned. I’ve always been a big believer in being as straight up as possible, particularly in the world of online dating. There’s far too many games being played, reactions being gauged and messages being checked over for my liking. Always be real, always be honest. It’s the easiest way and it means the mask can’t slip at a later date. If we pretend to be someone we’re not, we will always get found out. So I’m angry. Because I am angry. I feel let down, I feel embarrassed that it’s happened a second week running. I feel upset; because you can probably all tell by the way I write about him, but I like this guy.

My responses are pretty blunt. I say I don’t like not knowing where I stand and we should maybe just leave it. He’s sorry; but he’s ill. There’s nothing more said. No fight, no attempt to soften my mood, he probably knows he can’t win with me at that point, so he doesn’t respond.

Then I get drunk. Really fucking drunk. White wine drunk. Then I go out. I have an awesome night, but people fill my head with reasons for his no show. He’s married, he’s got a partner, he’s just had a better offer, anything but the two perfectly acceptable reasons presented to me.

I still hear nothing from him. This is what gets to me the most. Our communication has been spot on since the day we matched. And now nothing. I send a drunk message saying thanks for putting up a fight, or words to that effect.

This morning comes round and I’m full of white wine regret and a very needy hangover. I message again, my final words before deleting him. I have to delete people. It stops me from messaging them. I can’t have the temptation there, so I remove it. But I don’t block him. I don’t want to block him. I want him to ring me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I want him to tell me he understands. I want him to tell me he likes me. I’m being needy as fuck, but that’s all I want, the simplicity again.

He replies, he’s says he would be pissed off too and he doesn’t think my reaction was bad yesterday. But he’s pissed off. I’ve said I don’t trust him, because of our 4 dates he’s bailed on 50% of them. He’s ill and quite clearly doesn’t want to talk to me.

So that’s it. Done. He knows I’ve deleted him, because I’ve told him.

What next? What do I do? The doubt that was put into my mind by others isn’t really there. I trust my gut, and my gut says he’s a good guy. I might be stupid and utterly regret it, but I’d most definitely give him a third chance. I know I like him, I know he liked me, and I believe both reasons.

Have I fucked it by telling him how I feel? And if I have, then what does that mean? I can’t do anything but be honest, that’s just who I am. He must have known what my reaction would be so none of this will be unexpected. If I’ve changed his opinion of me with my honesty; then you know what, he’s not the guy for me, so no loss. If he is giving me some time, or actually just sleeping and feeling ill, then I’ll hear from him when he’s ready. If I don’t, then I’m happy that I’ve not done anything wrong except be honest with myself, my feelings and him.

It’s all back to simplicity again. I’m simply me, he’s simply him and we either never speak again, or we do. I’ve placed the ball firmly in his court, and he knows that. For a control freak like me, that’s a big deal. But the benefit of the doubts placed in me by others is that I’ve been true. I’ve been me. And I’m pretty fucking special, if he chooses to see that, fantastic. If he doesn’t then it means there’s no loss.

Always, always go with your gut. Not with the doubts of others.

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